This is how it's going to be-so please be mindful.

Well, hello from your friendly shopkeeper! 

Friends, we are in different times.  Times that, we all, need to learn new things, adjust our habits, and be a little more mindful of our actions.  So here are some-observations, tips, suggestions, and probably a rant or two.  

Please shop local and independent as much as you can. These establishments make up your neighborhoods, they donate to just about every fundraiser you ask them to, they sponsor t-ball teams and the like, they hire your kids for their first jobs, and they're probably your neighbors.  So, please, do your neighbors a solid, and support them.  If you don't have the $$ to support-share, like, love, engage with their social media posts-and help out the algorithms.  

A few suggestions while shopping local:

Please look for and read and follow directions for how to patronize their establishment.  I know this is new-you didn't have to think about this before-you just went in and looked around and what not.  Now, in pandemic world, keep in mind that a lot of places have limits on capacity, perhaps shorter hours due to staffing and payroll or whatever-so if you don't intend to buy-maybe don't take up the space that could be taken by someone there to spend money.  I'm not saying that you have to know exactly what you're getting-but-shop with intention.  Establishments are functioning on fewer hours, fewer customers-but the same bills.  So, please read directions, follow directions-check to see if they're taking cash or only doing card, look for indicators that there's a certain flow of traffic to follow, use the hand sanitizer that we have to buy, look to see if certain services aren't available so that you don't waste someone's time bitching about it later.  Keep in mind that some complimentary services or perks might not be available at this time, or no longer complimentary-because we have bills yall-and it's hard to give away free shit when you're not making the same money, but have to buy more supplies, and still pay those bills.

Also, maybe don't shop in large groups, or be ok if you can't all be in the place at the same time.  If you're shopping with three of your friends, and the establishment's capacity, is say 5 customers max, consider waiting for your friend who really wants to shop in here-outside. Understand that if you insist on waiting until there are 4 spots open, we won't stop 2 people from coming in if we're not at capacity, so that y'all can come in together for 1 of you to buy 1 thing-it's just rude now.  If you really want to do that with your friends, maybe see if that establishment does appointments, or get there early on an off peak day and time. 

While we're talking about capacity-your kids count. And again-see above about groups.  Now, sometimes you don't have childcare and you have the kids, and you just have to get a birthday card for Susie, look it's rough right now; this would be a good time to consider if that store has a website, and/or offers curbside pick up. You are going to need to plan ahead a bit, and, hate to break it to you, but you should make that your new normal, because we're stuck in this game until there's a vaccine.  So, birthdays, holidays, etc.-until there is a vaccine, this is life. 

Masks, yes, you need to wear them.  Yes, they need to cover your mouth and nose. I would suggest NOT bringing your Starbucks or whatever with you, because unless you have the straw hole with cover in your mask, we're going to ask you to not take off/lower your mask and drink whatever while you're in the store. If this is hard for you-I direct you to checking to see if that store has a website and/or does curbside pickup.  

Do not take your mask off to talk/ask questions; we can hear you.  If we don't hear your question, we'll ask again.  This is a good time to remind everyone to project.  Now, I know you can speak loud enough to ask your question and for us to hear it, because we just heard you say "we'll just buy it on Amazon." RUDE. Then don't come in. Amazon will be fine at the end of all this-but Amazon is not likely to donate to Timmy's spring school fundraiser silent auction.  

Keep your distance.  Have we learned nothing this whole time???? Give people their space and don't encroach.  I know everyone is still recovering from the great toilet paper shortage of 2020, and now treats everything like it's the last one and they MUST have it, but you don't know where that person has been before you moseyed up next to them, they lowered their mask to take a sip of their Starbucks, and sneezed before the cup got to their mouth, and those droplets, well they flew, and they would have flown wide and far away from anyone, but you insisted on being right next to sneezy stranger-and now you got some snot on something you're going to touch and not realize.  So, please, 6 feet.  

As much as we would love to sit and chat with you at the register, when your done with your purchase, please leave. If your friend is still shopping, but you've purchased your items, please leave and wait outside.  See capacity paragraph above (we have to move as many people through in limited times friends!).  But really, Sharon will be out in just a couple minutes, she's finishing up, and will pay, all on her own, because she's an adult and can do things independently. I promise.  

Look, you may have to change the way you shop, dine out, get your hair done, etc.  It's inconvenient, I know.  But keep in mind, all of these people at these establishments, are exposing themselves, repeatedly, to people, and we are trying to stay as safe as possible.  We have families and friends that we don't want to get sick.  We have limited resources, so if one of us does get sick, it can be a huge dent in the functioning of the establishment.  

Keep in mind, too, when patronizing a local independent establishment, that you are, most likely, in someone's dream. They, or their family, built what you're standing in, they rely on it, they love it, they had plans for it before all of this.  We need our businesses to succeed-because it's our livelihood-but also our passion.  We appreciate the support of customers, we love building those relationships that you don't get elsewhere, we like being a part of your world in a small way-but know that we are people too. We are stressed, tired, and scared for a multitude of reasons, as well.  So, please be kinds and respect the rules and don't be an asshole.  

Thanks!

How do people function...

Working in retail you learn that the saying: "there's no such thing as a stupid question," is absolutely not true.  There are tons of stupid questions out there.  Questions that people ask that lead you to wonder how, exactly, they function on their own in society.  I say this having worked in music/movie stores, bookstore and housewares stores.  I'd like to give society the benefit of the doubt, but alas, they make me question my sanity at least once a day...if not more.

Now, I know-you're thinking-give people a break.  And yes, maybe I'm being a little hard on people who walk into a bookstore asking for the non-fiction section and when you ask what they're looking for they still say non-fiction; and then you have to explain that 95% of the store is non-fiction and categorized.  But, you're in a bookstore, why would you read signs...?

Since entering the world of housewares and linens, etc. Well, let's just say I'm not sure how people have managed to cook, clean, eat or shit on their own sometimes.  I say this with much love for the general public.  You are the best, and worst part, of any retail job.  But can we talk about something for a moment?  Ok, maybe a few things.

First:  Things that don't have a price on them-are NOT free.  You aren't the first one to crack that joke, and you are NOT the first person to miss the sign with the price, DIRECTLY above the item (or even on the item if it has a display).  Now, yes, on occasion there is no sign and something still may have a price that's difficult to find on the item-but do you really think I'm going to just give it to you for free? Ummm...no.

Secondly: Any retailer with an online store is going to have more online than in store.  Let's use our common sense for a moment.  There is no store big enough to hold absolutely every item in every size, shape and color.  It just doesn't exist.  And, as much as you may be mad that I don't have it in stock, I want to sell it to you.  I work in sales-I want to sell it to you, order it for you, get it for you, find it for you-assuming what you're looking for actually exists (which is a whole other story).

Thirdly: Do you work here?  I get if I have my back to you, it's summer so no one's wearing a coat, and I'm not currently helping another customer, so you're unsure if I'm general public or worker-oh and you can't see my nametag...But seriously-CLEARLY I WORK HERE!  If I'm carrying stuff, behind a counter, talking to another customer, stocking product, using a scanner, or if I asked you if I could help you 5 minutes ago-I work here!

Fourth: I get that some more difficult gadgets, appliances, etc. may have more bells and whistles than you need it for-so asking how it works is a valid question.  However, if you come to me looking, for let's say, bed sheets-and ask me if they work or how they work-I'm going to stare at you for a minute awkwardly.  If you ask me for a bacon pan for your nanny-and I reply-do you mean a skillet or fry pan-and you continue to look at me and tell me your nanny just said a bacon pan-I'm going to hit you with, not just any fry pan, but a cast iron fry pan that ways 5 tons.

Fifth: (we're leaving the stupid questions and just going with stupid) When I recommend something, and you go against my recommendation, and then return crappy item two days later-don't tell me you should've listened to me-just LISTEN TO ME! When you sit there and let me ask you questions to figure out your needs and tell me your life story, and all the reasons that make this thing you need important, or different from the last person who needed it-you're WASTING MY TIME.  I mean, if you know more than I do, as you've told me three times already-then just go with the crappy thing and let me get back to helping someone who actually wants my help.

Sixth:  I work in a very return friendly place.  If you're going to return it-just return it.  I don't need an 8 hour sob story-I've told you can return it-several times.  I only ask that you don't get all mad at me when I give you a store credit because you can't find the receipt for the item, that's, let's be honest here, is 3 years old and you probably bought at Target.  Just sayin...

Seventh:  I want to go eat-so maybe you should find it yourself.

Cray Cray on the Train Train

So-look for a future post on the shooting I witnessed.  But in the mean time-Cray Cray on the Train Train.

First-Bus Etiquette!  Peeps-let's move to the back of the bus when the bus is full.  And if someone moves-can we please move back and let everyone breathe some fresh air.  Let's be honest-being smushed up with some Chi-Town strangers smelling of post work-not so fresh.  So ALL that I'm asking is:  If we have some room to spread out, and YOU are the person making that not happen, you will feel my eyes boring holes into your skull; especially if you don't even squish in enough for those of us, who do have some bus decency, to move around you.

Red Lind Of Hell.  That's what I call it.  Can the red line be some interesting, verging on scary, people watching.  Yes.  But that verging on the scary, isn't usually scary funny, it's scary unabalanced person-and this could go either way.  Exhibit A:  Young man a couple mornings ago at around 6a.m. He looked clean and "normal" but, once he opened his mouth you realized that something was up.  It started with a "Hello" to the upper 50ish woman walking past him to a seat.  She being so kind, said hello back.  Her danger radar was a little off.  This simple "Hello" opened the flood gates of cray cray.  This young man was looking for something to do until his "date" at 8a.m. and was asking her opinion on what he should do.  BUT he didn't want to go into the "bad" parts of town.  So she politely humored him and suggested he ride the train around.  That's when he asked to accompany her and they could take a "special" trip together.  (Finally-she realized all was not well on the western front).   Because out of nowhere he started exclaiming how they (she and him) needed to talk about the Trayvon verdict (yes things got really awkward); she needed to talk to him so he could wear his hoodie...yeah-where do you go from there right?  I mean, we can have that discussion-but is this a discussion you have with a stranger on the train at 6am in the morning?  And do we need to have the conversation so loudly?  And what is this special trip you want to go on?  It doesn't sound like a good special?

Riding the Red Line during Cubs games is always horrible.  As if the Red Line didn't already smell enough like urine and vomit.  Now if the Cubs lose, which we know happens often enough, it's sort of a quiet depressing beer soaked crowded ride.  People sweating their miller lite out of their bodies while quietly sobering up, feeling defeated (oddly-cause it happens often enough you think they'd be used to it) -but Cubs fans don't give up-they really think they're going to go all the way every year.  I'm from Cleveland-I know that kind of hope-but let's be real peeps.
Now Red Line when they win?  KILL ME!  It's every douche bag screaming like they just won the Super Bowl (and hey I get it-you have to savor EVERY win, because it might just be your last).  But really-if I wanted to go to a Wrigleyville Bar-I would have.  But the fact that your one "buddy" can't stand up, is practically comatose in his own beer slobber vomit dripping from his mouth, and is now taking up four seats and the old lady with a walker can't sit down; well, my patience has runneth out.

I relish the days I get a new train car on the red line.  They don't have that icky feel-like you can catch an STD by just holding onto the rail.  Because yes-there are trains that I feel that way.

For Divergent fans-you will get this reference.  There is nothing more uncomfortable than the Red Line  in the early early hours of the morning.  4:30 am and I get on the bus; and it smells like a lovely mix of BO, trash and feces.  The doors close, and that's when you realize that you're on the equivalent of a Factionless train.  At any point one of these people can turn on you for no other reason than you woke them up-BECAUSE-you didn't know that this was the sleeping car for the red line homeless riders.  (P.S.  Some look familiar from my days of kicking certain people out of a certain bookstore for bathing in my bathrooms).  Now I am all for homeless people riding the train all day and night-I would if I were  homeless.  However, when they all turn and look at you in unison, at 4:30 in the morning, it's like one of those moments that I can only imagine Tris felt the first time she got on a factionless train, or any touring prospective student felt during a tour, of the now closed, Henry dorm at Hiram.  It's FREAKY. And freaky in a scary way and not a funny way (unless we're talking about the Henry Dorm lounge-that's freaky funny).

Alas, that's all for now on the train.  Look for something coming about this shooting I just witnessed-cause that's some crazy shit!

A Year in the life...

A marker of sorts.  A year ago I got my new ACL.  I say that like it's a new car-but really it sucked.  However, a year later I'm almost back to normal.  Not quite where i would've thought-but I'm trying to not be picky. 
I'm looking at a possible advancement in my professional life.  A more rewarding personal life-as far as the social aspect.  There are still kinks to work out in the system. 
But all in all-it's not bad.
Car problems-but as inconvenient and unfortunate that that is.  I can't really complain about it-my poor car has over 100,000 miles on it.  And minus the car accidents, I haven't had any major work done on it.  And as much as I stress over how am I going to figure this one out-I look back on the last year and say-I never thought I could do this on my own. With no family in the area, a limited circle of friends.  But I did.  So I know that I'll figure this one out as well.  I just have to understand and accept that the end result may not be what I really want but what I have to do.

Where's my cowboy?

I must admit, I'm a sucker for a good love story.  Well, who isn't really?  I guess there are some.  It's not that I have expectations-I much more pragmatic and realistic-but deep down, when it comes to observing other people, I'm a hopeless, mushy romantic soul. 

At my last store over a year ago now, we were having an author come to do a signing.  We hadn't really heard of her at our store until her uber dedicated fans started calling and asking all about the event weeks before the scheduled date.  And they were so excited and beside themselves that I just had to know what crazy wonderfulness I was so ignorant of up to this point. I mean, she was a cookbook author-and I love me some cookbooks and cooking and cookware and cooking utensils and cooking appliances, and I think we all get the idea.  And this is when I realized that life was utterly unfair.  This author was living a dream that most women would give anything to have. Besides being this successful blogger, cookbook author, website builder wonder woman-she also had the perfect cowboy husband.  A real life cowboy. A cowboy.  It may be a cliche, but down deep inside of everyone of us straight women and some gay, is the cowboy fantasy.  A gentleman.  A person with values and roots and chivalry.  The stetson, the wranglers, the horse-it's there somewhere-however irrational for those of us who live in cities where the only horses pull tourist along a paved concrete road in a carriage. 
The woman who is living the dream for us all so we can live vicariously through her.
The Pioneer Woman. 
And now-NOW-she has a non-cookbook out with her and her Marlboro Man's love story!  Which most of us who have visited her site have read a lot-but she's added new stuff into the courtship and then she's added their first year of marriage!  And I thought I would just skim along, refresh myself and get to the marriage part quickly, but it was not to be-I am sucked into this real life romance novel like I didn't read almost all of it over 3 nights before she came to my store over a year ago.  And I cannot stop!  Well, i can for as long as it takes to type this little post and let my nook charge up a little.
I never took myself for this mushy romantic girly girl.  I was always one of the guys. Tough, willing to get dirty, a little compartamentalized (if that's how that's spelled); but this book has turned me into a teenage girl with stars in her eyes, wishing she grew up in the middle of nowhere with hot cowboys (because I'm sure all the real ones are actually hot...) and could admire thei physique in wranglers and chaps.
I've said that I don't see myself getting married; and now I know that's probably truer; because I've yet to see a real cowboy in Chicago and I don't think I could even contemplate the thought of marriage unless it was to a cowboy. 
Check out http://www.thepioneerwoman.com/
It's absolutely awesome.

I'm trying not to be angry.

Yesterday Congresswoman Giffords of Arizona was attacked.  In that attack 6 people died and 14 more were injured.  A congresswoman trying to reach out to her constituents, to listen to them, and meet them and talk to them at a local grocery store, was gunned down by a deranged individual. 
It's sad and tragic.  But I find myself trying not to be angry.  Anger is not the best emotion to carry with you.  But I just want to scream at people who still don't want to talk about sensible gun laws and enforcement.  It's not the gun it's the person holding it.  Well you know what-maybe it shouldn't be so flippin easy to get a gun!!!
To get a driver's license you have to take classes, get in car training, and then pass a test.  To get a gun, maybe a three day waiting period/background check.  And in Arizona you don't have to have a permit to conceal and carry. Shouldn't it be harder than this?  You have to be 18 to by cold medicine now, and Big Brother watched how much you buy, but to get a gun, you can walk into any gunshow and walk out with whatever you see and like. These are dangerous weapons.  I get the 2nd ammendment.  But you know what-we don't have a standing militia anymore, and we're not "living off the land" in most places anymore.  And if you are a hunter, quite frankly you should be forced to eat what you kill, because otherwise you're wasting a life.  Wasting a life!  This isn't a video game, there are no other lives after that one. And humans aren't the end all species here.  God is.  And every creature is God's creature.
It just should not be this easy for something like this to happen.  It shouldn't.  And you know what,  I'll sacrifice the 2nd ammendment so that practicing the first is safe!  Get up there and spit out all the disgusting, ignorant, stupid statements you want-I won't shoot you for it.  I may yell back, but at least we can do that without worrying that one of us will be dead at the end.
So, I'm trying not to get angry, but it's hard. 

It's Beginning to Look...

Oh December is here-and finally with it snow.  So if you weren't in the holiday spirit before, you should be now.  And for the most part I am. If I weren't so annoyed with my roommate maybe it'd be a little better, but I won't let him ruin the season. 

The city with snow is pretty-as long as you don't look at the ground.  It can look less pretty after everyone's tredged and driven through it.  However, keep your eyes up and looking at lights twinkling off of trees dressed with snow, and storefronts decorated with garland and ornaments and holiday accoutrements.  A smile will come to your face.  And if one doesn't you probably don't have a heart.

I'm trying to decide how to spend my Christmas this year.  Do I go out, stay in, have friends over, or just enjoy the peace and quiet?  I'm leaning toward the peace and quiet quite honestly.  However, midnight mass is a possibility.  My one catholic tradition that I try and keep when i can.  Far from catholic now, it's the only mass that doesn't completely bore me or make me mad.  It can be quite beautiful depending on the church.  I was going to have friends over...but all the work that goes into that, and I just don't know if I'll have the energy to do it all over again so soon after Thanksgiving.  But we'll see. 

Customers are starting to get the holiday funny in them.  Either way cranky because they cannot find anything on their list, OR, competely willing to take anything you hand them!  I do love when they just listen and don't question-it's like my little bit of influence i have over the world to make sure they're reading the right things. 

Still have yet to do the Xmas cards-can't find my address book.  So, i may have to forgo those this year. Although it makes me a little sad to do so. 

3+ years-I can't believe it!

Shockingly I let the 3 year anniversary pass me by without noting it.  But better late than never right?  I've been in Chicago 3 years, 1 month and 5 days-actually.  Kind of shocking.  I think I'm one of the few who hasn't moved from the first place she moved in to.  A lot of people move around here.  I don't like to move. It makes me sad.  All that packing and I end up getting rid of stuff.  But it's also a physical manifestation of the past years into boxes.  An odd representation of who you are or what you've become-those boxes.  Well, only if you let them be. 

Work:  State and Elm is an interesting and challenging store. Could be challenging for many reasons-but not because it's busy.  After OO nothing seems busy.  But it's a funky city store with crazy customers, a difficult at times, set up (as far as merchandising is concerned) and well-there's always crazies in the city.  I kind of miss driving to work, and I'm pretty much tired of the crazy people on bus.  It's sad to say that-I've become jaded to a lot of it-and that worries me. I don't want to look past someone who is truly in need.  But it's hard to figure out the legit from the not here.  I will say, though, that I'm extremely proud of my holiday set.  And I know it won't stay the same for the whole season-but I like it.  And this store isn't some pretty box that you can just follow the map-but I think I did a decent job-actually I think I nailed it.  But that toughest critic besides myself has not been in yet.  So I will let judgement wait until then. 

Looking forward to a trip to D.C.  I'll be chaperoning Anthony's class trip.  Me and a some parents and a bunch of 13ish year olds, tearing up the D.C.  I'm actually really excited-it's been so long since I've been.  Spring of senior year in college.  I can't wait to go back and see everything that's changed.  It's like going home-I love the place.  If Deb didn't live there I might move there-but the farther away from crazy former roommates the better.

I'm having Thanksgiving at my house with friends.  And although I'll be missing the family-especially little Chloe-she's growing so fast!  I'm excited to have a holiday here with my Chicago family.  It feels like a turning point for me.  Like a point where we all realize that this is my home now.  This isn't an extended stay in a nearby town. This is home.  It's kind of weird-but I'm adjusting. 

The knee is almost there!  I'm done with PT as of a week ago. I still have to schedule my doctor's appointment and then hopefully, keeping all fingers crossed, he'll discharge me.  I still have some swelling and soreness-but that can last for up to a year.  And the numbness on part of it may never go away.  But I'm moving a lot better, taking stairs up and down.  Driving still seems to get me-I'm not sure if it's because it's bent or what.  Tomorrow we're going to head out to the lake front and try a little jogging on a surface that doesn't move.  I kind of miss the tred mill at PT-though i'd never admit it outloud.  But I'm afraid that my energy level is going to drop if I don't keep up with the aerobic stuff-and I have to keep strengthening the quad so the doctor will discharge me. 

Looking forward to the holiday season-been listening to some Christmas music already.  Love it!  Not sure I'm completely ready for the cold weather-but I guess if I want one, the other pretty much comes with it.

A little worried about Grandma E. She's been in and out of the hospital every 3 weeks or so.  And she's in her 80s and I just don't know how much more a human body can take?  Congestive heart failure every few weeks because of all this fluid in her body that then surrounds her heart.  But this has been going on since at least August-that I know of anyways.  She's not in good health, she's old, she's had heart attacks.  I just don't know how much more she can handle.  

Reconnected with Tom through facebook-and that made me pretty happy.  He looks good and I'm hoping there's an opportunity at some point to see him in person.  Sean posted about them coming to see me when he gets back in the states in December-and that would be pretty cool.  I haven't see either in years.  I was  a witness for Sean's and Maureen's annullment and that was odd for me-but I've only seen her and not him since the divorce.  So it would be good to them and make sure I'm still the person I've always been.
I do feel like sometimes I've kind of lost myself out here.  It might be because my circle of friends is so much smaller, and the no family thing, but it's nice to regroup.  I got to do that when I went home for Chloe's 1st brithday.  Played cards with Ray, Brad and Blaise (although Blaise being old enough to drive himself around kind of throws me).  And Steve was randomly here last month-and that made me extremely happy.  But I do miss them all.  And I worry.  So it's always good to be able to see and touch. 

See and touch.  Yep on that note-goodnight.

New Game Plan

okay, we need a new plan.  This knee rehab thing-well it's not going according to plan.  I was supposed to be discharged today-but I'm still in for two months and at least another month of therapy.  6 months out.  It's supposed to be almost over at this point.  I was supposed to be PT free and just doing home exercises. 

But since that's not the case-new plan and new goal.
In one year, I'll be a year and a half post surgery and that's the time limit the doc gave me to solidify the knee, and I'll be sky diving!  All are welcome to come.

Shorter term-get out of PT. Flashcards at work.  I'm going to disperse flash cards in the different areas of the stores with exercises that I have to do and when I stop by on MOD rounds, I'll find one or an employee will give me one and then I'll have to do that exercise for however many reps. 

Part B will involve home stuff that I've yet to figure out.  But I will.  I'm thinking post it notes on the walls and windows.  And some sort of reward system-I'm good with rewards. 

Otherwise it was a crazy day of running and running, doctor, PT, Chiroracotr, and all errands. My day off was wasted running around and not relaxing and sleeping in. 

But i'm making eggs benedict tomorrow-so i guess there's a silver lining!

Falling down

Fall is upon us.  Or at least I was hoping so-but it looks like we'll be back in the 80s this week.  Which, hey i'm not complaining that much.  I know with Fall comes winter, and with winter snow, and with snow that means it's colder than the Fall. 

The knee today.  Ugh.  It's better than yesterday, but not back to where it was before Friday and whatever I did to make it so unhappy this time. I mean, I don't think I re-tore anything-but man, I was liking walking like a normal person, and my hips being properly aligned, etc.  You start to get used to it and quickly, easily and completely forget what the other end feel like.  The bad end, the not normal end.  But life has a way of reminding you with a sucker punch to the gut.  Here's the deal-just a week ago I was walking around Chicago with Steve-yep he came to visit!-kind of-and, whereas I'm slower that about half the population, but still faster than the lost tourists, it wasn't bad.  It was almost normal.  And now, the thought of walking to the bus makes me do an inward cringe. 

I'm, quite possibly the only person excited for the holiday season at work. Although, sometimes I wonder, I love the holiday season, and everything leading up to Christmas, but being away from everyone, I wonder if I'm more excited to kind of face it and get it done with?  Probably half and half.  Maybe one day the family will actually venture out here for the holidays-spend it in Chi-town, take in A Christmas Carol at the Goodman, see the skating rink at Millenium Park, Zoo lights at Lincoln Park Zoo-which are so much better than the Cleveland's zoo.  The Kriskindle market downtown.  I'm not holding my breath-but it's a nice idea. 

Well now I'm tired and need to sleep.  Peace out peeps.

I'm Back!

Well, not that I actually left...but I'm back to trying to write again.  Life has been a big blur filled with Physical Therapy, work, physical therapy, work, going home briefly, work, -do we see a trend here?  

I did manage to have some fun.  A couple concerts in Millenium Park, a couple cookouts, and a few celebrity sightings have also occupied the summer. 

But now it's the transition from summer to fall. Fall being my favorite season. Crisp and fragrant.  Noisy with the leaves on the ground (although I know it's not quite the same in the city). The smell of fire hanging in the air as you walk down the street.  I love it.  All crisp and cool.  I love it!

So PT is almost done.  The end of this month is the goal.  And oh it's a little sore today.  It's a constant roller coaster with this thing.  You  feel great one day and not so the other.  And just when I think that PT won't completely wipe me it does.  An ongoing and constant battle. 

However, the light at the end of the tunnel, is that, as long as the doctor gives me the clear, next September, me and whoever wants to join, will be going skydiving to celebrate the end of the journey (and my 30th birthday) but really let's focus on the year and half from surgery mark.  That's the mark that the doctor gave me for everything to be back to normal-whatever normal ends up being now. 

Well that's all for now.  Looking forward to the Chicago Country Music Festival in the beginning of October.  :) 

Oh life on Chicago busses...

Now that I'm back at work, I frequent the busses.  I take the 76 to the 36 or vice versa.  Now, we all know you can see some really weird things on busses.  Usually crazy people conducting make believe orchestras or talking to the invisible...person next to them about angels, God, or aliens.  And there are always the rude people, who feel the need to take up the priority seating with their healthy 20 something year old bodies.  Now, the other day, coming home from work on the 36 bus I saw something a little out of hte ordinary.  But the oddest part about it wasn't that I saw it-but that I saw 2 people doing the same/very similar thing.

Firstly, we're somewhere on Clark, before Fullerton, and an older gentleman, maybe in his 40s or 50s gets on the bus with a whole bunch of crap.  Now that in itself is not that odd.  But amongst his posessions, and suitcase on wheels he had a large piece of plywood.  Like large. probably 2 feet by 6 1/2 or 7 feet.  and it was probably 1/2 inch or 3/4 inch plywood.  Now I have no idea how this man was carting all of this stuff around-but he proceeded to lay it down-on the spine, or whatever we call it, so it's basically now knee length and running in front of all the people sitting in the priority seating.  Now, a little realized fact, is that the people sitting in the priority seating usually are sitting there for a reason.  And most cannot hurdle the 2 foot tall wall that is now in front of them. 

Well oddly enough, as we continue down the way, a few stops later, another guy, but in his early 20s walks on with a huge piece of plywood.  This one just as tall, and a bit wider, but regardless of the dimensions.  We now have to huge pieces of plywood on the bus!  And people are just blocked in to their seats.  The 20 year old guys left his standing tall and holding on to it in the middle of the aisle, so we all sat there praying he held on to everything so he and/or the plywood didn't topple onto some of us inocent bystanders. 

Now I know we live in a public transit city.  But this public transit city also has cabs and rental trucks and delivery from more places than we thought possible.  I'm just thinking that maybe, just maybe, to avoid the inconvenience, and possible danger, they might have sought one of these options out.  I mean did they know noone who could've helped them out?  I'm just sayin...we might want to limit our trappings that we bring on the bus to stuff that fits in that barred in shelf/box at the front of the bus.  Just a suggestion Chicago.

ACL stuff sucks!

ACL tear, rupture, blah blah blah.  It sucks.  It all pretty much sucks.  You know why?  Because once you start feeling half way normal again-that fact-just reminds you how not close to normal you are yet.  And it nags and nags at you.  Yay I can walk!  Oh wait-can't walk far or for long, and you'll feel really stiff and sore-but hey you're not on crutches!  Well, after a while that's not really a bonus anymore.  I know it's a process and I know that, according to my physical therapist, I'm doing well.  But my patience is running thin.  And today I hurt.  And I haven't hurt, enough to really really annoy me, in a while.  Gettting the energy to do my physical therapy exercises at home is harder, because I just want a break!  I know-i've been on this, almost, extended break, at least from work, for a while-but getting better is such a job too!  And there's other stuff I want to do.  I want to go out with my friends and be able to enjoy the city.  And I want to do it pain free-or at least just painful for my bank account.  I know-it's not that bad, and I should be happy or grateful I'm doing so well. But you know what-it's really fucking easy to say that when it's not you!  or when you're so far removed from a similar situation in your life that you don't remember how much it sucked at times.  Let me tell you a lot of things look easier given time and space away from it.  But at least I have this lovely computer record of how much this sucked at times.  I know it's the mental battle that I have to win.  That is the important one-if you win that one the physical one is way easy.  But it's the mental that's hard. hard to beat, hard to do alone, hard to deal with every single day.  when you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, and you are the only person around-well it's pretty flippin easy to be defeated. 

My Favorite Miranda Lambert song-for the moment...

The House That Built Me-On Miranda Lambert's Revolution album

I know they say you cant go home again.

I just had to come back one last time.
Ma'am I know you don't know me from Adam.
But these handprints on the front steps are mine.
And up those stairs, in that little back bedroom
is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar.
And I bet you didn't know under that live oak
my favorite dog is buried in the yard.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself
if I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.

Mama cut out pictures of houses for years.
From 'Better Homes and Garden' magazines.
Plans were drawn, concrete poured,
and nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama's dream.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.

You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can.
I got lost in this whole world and forgot who I am.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could walk around I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.


I guess I always had a soft spot for our first house in Cleveland.  This song makes me think of that place. 

and so the rollercoaster continues.

I thought with the physical getting better that my moods would be bette.  But that's not always the case.  A couple days ago I couldn't understand.  I mean I'm walking without crutches and getting around better than i have in a long time.  But I was still so bummed and sad.  I think it's this.  This whole process-it's an everyday  thing. It's like having kids-I don't get  a day off.  And I SO want a day off. But you can't-it can set you back-and I do not want that!  And you get so close to feeling normal but then faced with the reality of doing a normal daily task and it's hard or near impossible-well then you're back to feeling like shit again.  Because I should be able to do normal things right?  But not quite yet.  But I'm so close I can taste it!  It's so frustrating! 
However, today, I was given the clear to wean myself off of/out of the brace.  So that means I will start to feel more normal.   And, yes there are still things I can't do.  But to lose the brace-well that'll be a big step!  Can't wait!  And back to work soon.  Which will help with my moods I think.  To be doing something other than reading, watching tv and doing leg lifts. 

You could say the walls are starting to close in on me and that would be an accurate depiction of how it is most of the time here.  Tomorrow will be a good day.  They gotta get better right?

Even when...

I've been feeling better.  Or so I thought.  Physically. I've definately been feeling better physically.  Mentally and emotionally is still a bit of a rollercoaster.  It's weird, because you think you should be off the rollercoaster since "everything else is going os well."  But maybe it's when you're feeling almost normal but still can't do everything by yourself; that's when it's more frustrating.  There's not painkillers to help dampen the pride enough to ask for help.  You just have to do it.  And it's nice to see everyone.  But it's like being so close but just skimming something and losing.  Now, I still have a far way to go-it's not like I'm going back to work tomorrow or anything.  I'm on day 13!  But paitence was never my virtue-and I'm trying really hard to work on that through this whole process.  Between the motivation to do the stuff at home, and the increasing need to feel like I'm on one piece again!  It's this battle of wills.  Thankfully I have a fairly extensive Itunes library you manipulate myself with. The proper motivation.  You just get to this point where you want all of the small steps to be bigger.  And they're not. 

I think, too, it's the drug haze is gone and you start to realize the actual length of time and committment needed to really get back to normal.  Monetarily, time, energy, scheduling, mental-months.  The magnitude starts to hit you.  I mean let's face it, you don't have much else to think about when you're not at work every day or going out with friends often.  It's a lot of "me" time.  And boy that can drive a person batty! 

The good thing in it all is I have no choice.  If I want to be able to walk normally and work normally I have to do it all.  There is no other viable option.  So it does take, at least, the stress of decision making out of it all.

I don't know.  Maybe I'm just bummed I didn't get to go to my Michael Buble concert tonight. :(

and my ass still hurts.

I'm thinking when all of this is said and done I'll need anew left ass cheek.  But I'm guessing that that would be an unpleasant surgical experience as well.  But I bet I wouldn't have to sit on my butt so in fact, my butt wouldn't hurt for that reason!

Right now I have the set up so the cooler and computer are on my left side since my right leg is in the machine.  But tomorrow I'm thinking of changing this up a bit and seeing how it all works on the right side of me.  My left cheek is getting all the pressure right now and that's just not fair.  At least as far as I'm concerned it's not fair.

I think the late night melt downs are on a stand still for the moment.  2 in a row was too many.  But I hadn't really had a melt down yet, not prior to surgery or post.  So during the whole duration since I injured my knee I've been pretty good.  I was doubly due I guess.  Of course today could just be better because I took a shower!  A real shower!  Not a sponge bath/rag bath tease.  But a stand under the spray and let the water wash down you, over you, around you shower.  Now I did have a plastic bag over one leg, but it was still so nice!

Getting in the shower was interesting.  I used a kitchen chair and crutches.  kind of hoisted my bad leg over the side of the tub, then stood up from the chair and used my crutches to support the majority of my weight while I brought the other leg over.  It was scary and dangerous-and so necessary!  Note here: if you are ever in this position I advise turning on the water after you are fully in the shower, that way you're not getting into a slippery wet bath tub.  Thankfully I thought of this before hand.  And have something on the floor for when you get out-again to avoid the slipperiness. 

I've also switched to mostly advil.  Now I'm still taking a lot.  But it's better than the vicodin.  Why anyone would choose to take that stuff I have no idea!  But they do.  I don't like it.  Besides being constantly tired.  You don't sleep well on it.  It makes you woozy and funky all day.  You have weird dreams!  I've had the weirdest of weird dreams.  Involving bikes and bunnies and work and famous people that I've never met.  craziness!

The Rollercoaster...

Well day 4-and I'll say....
 Well it's definately better than day one I guess.  It's just a total rollercoaster.  Good hours and bad hours.  There are times when I'm moving around (well as much as I can)  or doing the CPM machine-where I'm like-ok this is doable.  I'm getting along just fine.  And then I hit a couple hours later and it's a totally different story.  It's when the back hurting, the butt hurting, the nausea, the feeling like crap-just wears you down.  And no musical mix at the moment can fix it. 

And it's exhausting!  I dread going to the bathroom because I know what effort it will take to get there and back, besides having to lower myself to the toilet and back up!  And it's so frustrating!  Just completely annoying and frustrating.  Not being able to do simple things for yourself.  Where minor things, like an achy throat or upset stomach, are just magnified by the fact that almost every muscle in your body is tired.  I thought being tired was just me being lazy-but I had no idea what a toll it is on the complete psyche-mental, physical, emotional.  It's full fledged.  And I've had friends and family there-and that's good and appreciated.  But I'm on my own a lot which just gives me time to think about all the crappy stuff like this. 

I'm just tired. I'm just exhausted.  I'm just spent and it all makes me over emotional.  It sucks really.

Home from the hospital.

Well hello world!  Looks like I made it through!  Actually i don't think i would've minded sleeping a bit more-waking up was NOT fun!  And it was the part I was thinking was going to be the worst-so that's not too surprising. But it hurt like a mother lover!

And so getting ready for bed.  That was an adventure too!  It just took me forever-and i don't know wehre to put all of this stuff!  The CPM machine-the cooler!  everything has cords and is big!  I just want to be able to walk without the crutches!  I don't want to rush myself-but i'm already tired of being so dag gone needy!

And going to the bathroom is a big pain in the ass.  Cause getting underwear down enough over the stupid brace that comes up so high! It'll be comical when it doesn't hurt.  It really will-I mean I almost laugh at it now.  And it's a little more annoying when you have to pee really badly!  They didn't prepare me for that part. I mean I guess I could've figured it out if I would've thought of it long enough-but I didn't.  Thought of a bunch of other useless stuff.  But when it came to going to the bathroom and how to rearrange my room so i could fit everything by the bed-those weren't in the packet Rita gave me.  :(   And really these are the things that end up mattering when you get home.  I mean when's the last time you had to figure out how to pee?  I will say it comes in handy to have some loose wide skirts though.  Especially the ones that can go over your head.  No bending trying to get your broke ass foot (well it's not really broke but since it doesn't really move that far on its own right now), into shorts.  Which i don't recommend-skirts are the way to go!
 
I'm starting to see double now-so the pain pill must be kicking in. Gnite everyone!

Genius

So i enabled the genius function in my Itunes. And so far I kinda like it.  It plays music that I don't hear a lot and forgot that I have.  So in that sense it's nice.  On my list of things to do while layed up is to go through and delete all the music I do not want.  There's a lot of it.  The majority of my memory on my computer is probably music.

Tomorrow is the big day. Surgery day.  Tons of fun.  Can't wait.  Really I can.  I really want to walk and squat like a normal person again.  But other than that I could wait a while for this.  It's just so much stress and it's not worth it.  It really isn't.  Especially when I could have socialized health care if I'd be born in Canada.  Oh well!  Short term-i'm just trying to hydrate myself as much as possible until midnight so they can find a vein in me tomorrow.  ugh needles.  I hate needles.  I wish I could listen to music during this whole thing-that would totally ease my mind. I'd relax and let them prod me as much as they wanted to-with the right music i can almost block out anything.  I'll have to ask my doctor if he listens to music while he works-that would be awesome.

Took the parents around a bit today.  I even got them on a train to go downtown.  Crazy i know-but they did it.  We saw a bit of the zoo and walked around my hood a bit.  Tomorrow they get to see my store before the surgery.  Because, of course, i can't go too long without going to a Barnes and Noble.  I guess it's nice to like where you work and be proud of the company you work for.  Not everyone has that.  And as much as I complain, it's hard to see myself anywhere else for a while. 

I don't imagine it'll be easy to sleep tonight.  As much as I'd like to think it will be-I'm not holding my breath.  If my parents weren't sleeping in the other room I'd question whether all of this was really happening. 
Well here's to going under and hoping i come up.