New Game Plan

okay, we need a new plan.  This knee rehab thing-well it's not going according to plan.  I was supposed to be discharged today-but I'm still in for two months and at least another month of therapy.  6 months out.  It's supposed to be almost over at this point.  I was supposed to be PT free and just doing home exercises. 

But since that's not the case-new plan and new goal.
In one year, I'll be a year and a half post surgery and that's the time limit the doc gave me to solidify the knee, and I'll be sky diving!  All are welcome to come.

Shorter term-get out of PT. Flashcards at work.  I'm going to disperse flash cards in the different areas of the stores with exercises that I have to do and when I stop by on MOD rounds, I'll find one or an employee will give me one and then I'll have to do that exercise for however many reps. 

Part B will involve home stuff that I've yet to figure out.  But I will.  I'm thinking post it notes on the walls and windows.  And some sort of reward system-I'm good with rewards. 

Otherwise it was a crazy day of running and running, doctor, PT, Chiroracotr, and all errands. My day off was wasted running around and not relaxing and sleeping in. 

But i'm making eggs benedict tomorrow-so i guess there's a silver lining!

Falling down

Fall is upon us.  Or at least I was hoping so-but it looks like we'll be back in the 80s this week.  Which, hey i'm not complaining that much.  I know with Fall comes winter, and with winter snow, and with snow that means it's colder than the Fall. 

The knee today.  Ugh.  It's better than yesterday, but not back to where it was before Friday and whatever I did to make it so unhappy this time. I mean, I don't think I re-tore anything-but man, I was liking walking like a normal person, and my hips being properly aligned, etc.  You start to get used to it and quickly, easily and completely forget what the other end feel like.  The bad end, the not normal end.  But life has a way of reminding you with a sucker punch to the gut.  Here's the deal-just a week ago I was walking around Chicago with Steve-yep he came to visit!-kind of-and, whereas I'm slower that about half the population, but still faster than the lost tourists, it wasn't bad.  It was almost normal.  And now, the thought of walking to the bus makes me do an inward cringe. 

I'm, quite possibly the only person excited for the holiday season at work. Although, sometimes I wonder, I love the holiday season, and everything leading up to Christmas, but being away from everyone, I wonder if I'm more excited to kind of face it and get it done with?  Probably half and half.  Maybe one day the family will actually venture out here for the holidays-spend it in Chi-town, take in A Christmas Carol at the Goodman, see the skating rink at Millenium Park, Zoo lights at Lincoln Park Zoo-which are so much better than the Cleveland's zoo.  The Kriskindle market downtown.  I'm not holding my breath-but it's a nice idea. 

Well now I'm tired and need to sleep.  Peace out peeps.

I'm Back!

Well, not that I actually left...but I'm back to trying to write again.  Life has been a big blur filled with Physical Therapy, work, physical therapy, work, going home briefly, work, -do we see a trend here?  

I did manage to have some fun.  A couple concerts in Millenium Park, a couple cookouts, and a few celebrity sightings have also occupied the summer. 

But now it's the transition from summer to fall. Fall being my favorite season. Crisp and fragrant.  Noisy with the leaves on the ground (although I know it's not quite the same in the city). The smell of fire hanging in the air as you walk down the street.  I love it.  All crisp and cool.  I love it!

So PT is almost done.  The end of this month is the goal.  And oh it's a little sore today.  It's a constant roller coaster with this thing.  You  feel great one day and not so the other.  And just when I think that PT won't completely wipe me it does.  An ongoing and constant battle. 

However, the light at the end of the tunnel, is that, as long as the doctor gives me the clear, next September, me and whoever wants to join, will be going skydiving to celebrate the end of the journey (and my 30th birthday) but really let's focus on the year and half from surgery mark.  That's the mark that the doctor gave me for everything to be back to normal-whatever normal ends up being now. 

Well that's all for now.  Looking forward to the Chicago Country Music Festival in the beginning of October.  :) 

Oh life on Chicago busses...

Now that I'm back at work, I frequent the busses.  I take the 76 to the 36 or vice versa.  Now, we all know you can see some really weird things on busses.  Usually crazy people conducting make believe orchestras or talking to the invisible...person next to them about angels, God, or aliens.  And there are always the rude people, who feel the need to take up the priority seating with their healthy 20 something year old bodies.  Now, the other day, coming home from work on the 36 bus I saw something a little out of hte ordinary.  But the oddest part about it wasn't that I saw it-but that I saw 2 people doing the same/very similar thing.

Firstly, we're somewhere on Clark, before Fullerton, and an older gentleman, maybe in his 40s or 50s gets on the bus with a whole bunch of crap.  Now that in itself is not that odd.  But amongst his posessions, and suitcase on wheels he had a large piece of plywood.  Like large. probably 2 feet by 6 1/2 or 7 feet.  and it was probably 1/2 inch or 3/4 inch plywood.  Now I have no idea how this man was carting all of this stuff around-but he proceeded to lay it down-on the spine, or whatever we call it, so it's basically now knee length and running in front of all the people sitting in the priority seating.  Now, a little realized fact, is that the people sitting in the priority seating usually are sitting there for a reason.  And most cannot hurdle the 2 foot tall wall that is now in front of them. 

Well oddly enough, as we continue down the way, a few stops later, another guy, but in his early 20s walks on with a huge piece of plywood.  This one just as tall, and a bit wider, but regardless of the dimensions.  We now have to huge pieces of plywood on the bus!  And people are just blocked in to their seats.  The 20 year old guys left his standing tall and holding on to it in the middle of the aisle, so we all sat there praying he held on to everything so he and/or the plywood didn't topple onto some of us inocent bystanders. 

Now I know we live in a public transit city.  But this public transit city also has cabs and rental trucks and delivery from more places than we thought possible.  I'm just thinking that maybe, just maybe, to avoid the inconvenience, and possible danger, they might have sought one of these options out.  I mean did they know noone who could've helped them out?  I'm just sayin...we might want to limit our trappings that we bring on the bus to stuff that fits in that barred in shelf/box at the front of the bus.  Just a suggestion Chicago.

ACL stuff sucks!

ACL tear, rupture, blah blah blah.  It sucks.  It all pretty much sucks.  You know why?  Because once you start feeling half way normal again-that fact-just reminds you how not close to normal you are yet.  And it nags and nags at you.  Yay I can walk!  Oh wait-can't walk far or for long, and you'll feel really stiff and sore-but hey you're not on crutches!  Well, after a while that's not really a bonus anymore.  I know it's a process and I know that, according to my physical therapist, I'm doing well.  But my patience is running thin.  And today I hurt.  And I haven't hurt, enough to really really annoy me, in a while.  Gettting the energy to do my physical therapy exercises at home is harder, because I just want a break!  I know-i've been on this, almost, extended break, at least from work, for a while-but getting better is such a job too!  And there's other stuff I want to do.  I want to go out with my friends and be able to enjoy the city.  And I want to do it pain free-or at least just painful for my bank account.  I know-it's not that bad, and I should be happy or grateful I'm doing so well. But you know what-it's really fucking easy to say that when it's not you!  or when you're so far removed from a similar situation in your life that you don't remember how much it sucked at times.  Let me tell you a lot of things look easier given time and space away from it.  But at least I have this lovely computer record of how much this sucked at times.  I know it's the mental battle that I have to win.  That is the important one-if you win that one the physical one is way easy.  But it's the mental that's hard. hard to beat, hard to do alone, hard to deal with every single day.  when you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, and you are the only person around-well it's pretty flippin easy to be defeated. 

My Favorite Miranda Lambert song-for the moment...

The House That Built Me-On Miranda Lambert's Revolution album

I know they say you cant go home again.

I just had to come back one last time.
Ma'am I know you don't know me from Adam.
But these handprints on the front steps are mine.
And up those stairs, in that little back bedroom
is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar.
And I bet you didn't know under that live oak
my favorite dog is buried in the yard.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself
if I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.

Mama cut out pictures of houses for years.
From 'Better Homes and Garden' magazines.
Plans were drawn, concrete poured,
and nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama's dream.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.

You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can.
I got lost in this whole world and forgot who I am.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could walk around I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.


I guess I always had a soft spot for our first house in Cleveland.  This song makes me think of that place. 

and so the rollercoaster continues.

I thought with the physical getting better that my moods would be bette.  But that's not always the case.  A couple days ago I couldn't understand.  I mean I'm walking without crutches and getting around better than i have in a long time.  But I was still so bummed and sad.  I think it's this.  This whole process-it's an everyday  thing. It's like having kids-I don't get  a day off.  And I SO want a day off. But you can't-it can set you back-and I do not want that!  And you get so close to feeling normal but then faced with the reality of doing a normal daily task and it's hard or near impossible-well then you're back to feeling like shit again.  Because I should be able to do normal things right?  But not quite yet.  But I'm so close I can taste it!  It's so frustrating! 
However, today, I was given the clear to wean myself off of/out of the brace.  So that means I will start to feel more normal.   And, yes there are still things I can't do.  But to lose the brace-well that'll be a big step!  Can't wait!  And back to work soon.  Which will help with my moods I think.  To be doing something other than reading, watching tv and doing leg lifts. 

You could say the walls are starting to close in on me and that would be an accurate depiction of how it is most of the time here.  Tomorrow will be a good day.  They gotta get better right?