family is

My grandmother died in May. I lived with her for almost 4 years. She was a divorced woman. Never remarried. I think she had little faith in men-her husband beat her and the kids. And 20, 30, years later-those emotional scars were as visible as the day she left. Maybe more so.

I spent 4 intense months in D.C. studying violence against women, the VAWA legislation, and working in an non-profit that helped women in war torn countries. We talked about all of the scars and bruises left on a person who's been through such violence. Especially when you can't get any help. When my grandmother and her kids were being beat-cops didn't get involved in domestic disputes. Shelters weren't there for women like they are now. She had nowhere and noone to go to. It wasn't till her youngest child was 18 that she finally left-and it was a long difficult process. One that her husband was not a willing participant in. But evenutally she got her divorce and nothing else.

She struggled to make her way on her own. And those struggles showed in her later life. The insecurities that her husband beat into her-plagued her later. She never got professional health-so she didn't know how to deal with the pain, hurt, confusion, anger, etc. She worked hard though. Got her own place-ran up her own debt-and survived. She found small times of happiness in her kids and grandkids. But I don't think she was ever really happy. Too worried about upsetting someone, or someone being mad at her. I tried to will her to have some self esteem-how silly that seems now. I used to try and encourage her to get out there and get involved and make some friends. It was probably the most depressing time of my life. I couldn't do anything-and eventually I gave up. Stayed away as much as I could so I didn't get caught up in the endless stream of pessimism and negativity. Which just led to her thinking I was mad at her.

I spent a lot of time being angry at the man that did that to her. I saw it as the root of all the problems in our family. Maybe it is. I think she's happy now. I know she is. The words sound harsh-but she had no real desire to live. She would have liked to be around for the grandkids-but the fight in her was long gone, I think. She spent her whole life fighting and surviving. That's not a way to live a life.

my family is dysfunctional. (i know-everyone's is) and that may be so-but we all have our own dysfunctions. but even with all of that-is love at question? is it doubted? i never thought so. but it is. and i guess it's not surprising. all the things not said or not done. well, sometimes that leads to the perception of a lot more not being there. that's a shame.