ACL stuff sucks!

ACL tear, rupture, blah blah blah.  It sucks.  It all pretty much sucks.  You know why?  Because once you start feeling half way normal again-that fact-just reminds you how not close to normal you are yet.  And it nags and nags at you.  Yay I can walk!  Oh wait-can't walk far or for long, and you'll feel really stiff and sore-but hey you're not on crutches!  Well, after a while that's not really a bonus anymore.  I know it's a process and I know that, according to my physical therapist, I'm doing well.  But my patience is running thin.  And today I hurt.  And I haven't hurt, enough to really really annoy me, in a while.  Gettting the energy to do my physical therapy exercises at home is harder, because I just want a break!  I know-i've been on this, almost, extended break, at least from work, for a while-but getting better is such a job too!  And there's other stuff I want to do.  I want to go out with my friends and be able to enjoy the city.  And I want to do it pain free-or at least just painful for my bank account.  I know-it's not that bad, and I should be happy or grateful I'm doing so well. But you know what-it's really fucking easy to say that when it's not you!  or when you're so far removed from a similar situation in your life that you don't remember how much it sucked at times.  Let me tell you a lot of things look easier given time and space away from it.  But at least I have this lovely computer record of how much this sucked at times.  I know it's the mental battle that I have to win.  That is the important one-if you win that one the physical one is way easy.  But it's the mental that's hard. hard to beat, hard to do alone, hard to deal with every single day.  when you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, and you are the only person around-well it's pretty flippin easy to be defeated. 

My Favorite Miranda Lambert song-for the moment...

The House That Built Me-On Miranda Lambert's Revolution album

I know they say you cant go home again.

I just had to come back one last time.
Ma'am I know you don't know me from Adam.
But these handprints on the front steps are mine.
And up those stairs, in that little back bedroom
is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar.
And I bet you didn't know under that live oak
my favorite dog is buried in the yard.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself
if I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.

Mama cut out pictures of houses for years.
From 'Better Homes and Garden' magazines.
Plans were drawn, concrete poured,
and nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama's dream.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.

You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can.
I got lost in this whole world and forgot who I am.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could walk around I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.


I guess I always had a soft spot for our first house in Cleveland.  This song makes me think of that place. 

and so the rollercoaster continues.

I thought with the physical getting better that my moods would be bette.  But that's not always the case.  A couple days ago I couldn't understand.  I mean I'm walking without crutches and getting around better than i have in a long time.  But I was still so bummed and sad.  I think it's this.  This whole process-it's an everyday  thing. It's like having kids-I don't get  a day off.  And I SO want a day off. But you can't-it can set you back-and I do not want that!  And you get so close to feeling normal but then faced with the reality of doing a normal daily task and it's hard or near impossible-well then you're back to feeling like shit again.  Because I should be able to do normal things right?  But not quite yet.  But I'm so close I can taste it!  It's so frustrating! 
However, today, I was given the clear to wean myself off of/out of the brace.  So that means I will start to feel more normal.   And, yes there are still things I can't do.  But to lose the brace-well that'll be a big step!  Can't wait!  And back to work soon.  Which will help with my moods I think.  To be doing something other than reading, watching tv and doing leg lifts. 

You could say the walls are starting to close in on me and that would be an accurate depiction of how it is most of the time here.  Tomorrow will be a good day.  They gotta get better right?

Even when...

I've been feeling better.  Or so I thought.  Physically. I've definately been feeling better physically.  Mentally and emotionally is still a bit of a rollercoaster.  It's weird, because you think you should be off the rollercoaster since "everything else is going os well."  But maybe it's when you're feeling almost normal but still can't do everything by yourself; that's when it's more frustrating.  There's not painkillers to help dampen the pride enough to ask for help.  You just have to do it.  And it's nice to see everyone.  But it's like being so close but just skimming something and losing.  Now, I still have a far way to go-it's not like I'm going back to work tomorrow or anything.  I'm on day 13!  But paitence was never my virtue-and I'm trying really hard to work on that through this whole process.  Between the motivation to do the stuff at home, and the increasing need to feel like I'm on one piece again!  It's this battle of wills.  Thankfully I have a fairly extensive Itunes library you manipulate myself with. The proper motivation.  You just get to this point where you want all of the small steps to be bigger.  And they're not. 

I think, too, it's the drug haze is gone and you start to realize the actual length of time and committment needed to really get back to normal.  Monetarily, time, energy, scheduling, mental-months.  The magnitude starts to hit you.  I mean let's face it, you don't have much else to think about when you're not at work every day or going out with friends often.  It's a lot of "me" time.  And boy that can drive a person batty! 

The good thing in it all is I have no choice.  If I want to be able to walk normally and work normally I have to do it all.  There is no other viable option.  So it does take, at least, the stress of decision making out of it all.

I don't know.  Maybe I'm just bummed I didn't get to go to my Michael Buble concert tonight. :(

and my ass still hurts.

I'm thinking when all of this is said and done I'll need anew left ass cheek.  But I'm guessing that that would be an unpleasant surgical experience as well.  But I bet I wouldn't have to sit on my butt so in fact, my butt wouldn't hurt for that reason!

Right now I have the set up so the cooler and computer are on my left side since my right leg is in the machine.  But tomorrow I'm thinking of changing this up a bit and seeing how it all works on the right side of me.  My left cheek is getting all the pressure right now and that's just not fair.  At least as far as I'm concerned it's not fair.

I think the late night melt downs are on a stand still for the moment.  2 in a row was too many.  But I hadn't really had a melt down yet, not prior to surgery or post.  So during the whole duration since I injured my knee I've been pretty good.  I was doubly due I guess.  Of course today could just be better because I took a shower!  A real shower!  Not a sponge bath/rag bath tease.  But a stand under the spray and let the water wash down you, over you, around you shower.  Now I did have a plastic bag over one leg, but it was still so nice!

Getting in the shower was interesting.  I used a kitchen chair and crutches.  kind of hoisted my bad leg over the side of the tub, then stood up from the chair and used my crutches to support the majority of my weight while I brought the other leg over.  It was scary and dangerous-and so necessary!  Note here: if you are ever in this position I advise turning on the water after you are fully in the shower, that way you're not getting into a slippery wet bath tub.  Thankfully I thought of this before hand.  And have something on the floor for when you get out-again to avoid the slipperiness. 

I've also switched to mostly advil.  Now I'm still taking a lot.  But it's better than the vicodin.  Why anyone would choose to take that stuff I have no idea!  But they do.  I don't like it.  Besides being constantly tired.  You don't sleep well on it.  It makes you woozy and funky all day.  You have weird dreams!  I've had the weirdest of weird dreams.  Involving bikes and bunnies and work and famous people that I've never met.  craziness!

The Rollercoaster...

Well day 4-and I'll say....
 Well it's definately better than day one I guess.  It's just a total rollercoaster.  Good hours and bad hours.  There are times when I'm moving around (well as much as I can)  or doing the CPM machine-where I'm like-ok this is doable.  I'm getting along just fine.  And then I hit a couple hours later and it's a totally different story.  It's when the back hurting, the butt hurting, the nausea, the feeling like crap-just wears you down.  And no musical mix at the moment can fix it. 

And it's exhausting!  I dread going to the bathroom because I know what effort it will take to get there and back, besides having to lower myself to the toilet and back up!  And it's so frustrating!  Just completely annoying and frustrating.  Not being able to do simple things for yourself.  Where minor things, like an achy throat or upset stomach, are just magnified by the fact that almost every muscle in your body is tired.  I thought being tired was just me being lazy-but I had no idea what a toll it is on the complete psyche-mental, physical, emotional.  It's full fledged.  And I've had friends and family there-and that's good and appreciated.  But I'm on my own a lot which just gives me time to think about all the crappy stuff like this. 

I'm just tired. I'm just exhausted.  I'm just spent and it all makes me over emotional.  It sucks really.

Home from the hospital.

Well hello world!  Looks like I made it through!  Actually i don't think i would've minded sleeping a bit more-waking up was NOT fun!  And it was the part I was thinking was going to be the worst-so that's not too surprising. But it hurt like a mother lover!

And so getting ready for bed.  That was an adventure too!  It just took me forever-and i don't know wehre to put all of this stuff!  The CPM machine-the cooler!  everything has cords and is big!  I just want to be able to walk without the crutches!  I don't want to rush myself-but i'm already tired of being so dag gone needy!

And going to the bathroom is a big pain in the ass.  Cause getting underwear down enough over the stupid brace that comes up so high! It'll be comical when it doesn't hurt.  It really will-I mean I almost laugh at it now.  And it's a little more annoying when you have to pee really badly!  They didn't prepare me for that part. I mean I guess I could've figured it out if I would've thought of it long enough-but I didn't.  Thought of a bunch of other useless stuff.  But when it came to going to the bathroom and how to rearrange my room so i could fit everything by the bed-those weren't in the packet Rita gave me.  :(   And really these are the things that end up mattering when you get home.  I mean when's the last time you had to figure out how to pee?  I will say it comes in handy to have some loose wide skirts though.  Especially the ones that can go over your head.  No bending trying to get your broke ass foot (well it's not really broke but since it doesn't really move that far on its own right now), into shorts.  Which i don't recommend-skirts are the way to go!
 
I'm starting to see double now-so the pain pill must be kicking in. Gnite everyone!